Its nearly here. The nightmare week for all those who haven’t yet found their dewy-lipped honey-eyed soul mates. Where ever you go you see pink fluffy ribbons, red heart shaped balloons, cute naked cupid toys and pretty packed chocolate boxes up for sale. Possibly if you had been in a relationship before, you feel a knot in your stomach as you remember the red rose that had been put secretly on your desk or the glittery card slipped secretly into your bag or if you were lucky enough to have a rich partner, the candle lit lunch at the romantic restaurant. You watch couples going mush and you think “why am I alone?”. You sigh and turn away but there’s no relief. People everywhere seem to be in love. Suddenly your happy-to-be-in-love-thank-you-very-much friend calls you up and gushes “he did the sweetest EVER thing” and you smile. You want to take hold of a jagged stone and grind it on her and her “sweetest EVER” boyfriend but you just go “awwww”. Maybe, just maybe, you shed a tear or two. Or you cry a gallon and half.
Well. Get. Over. It. Look at those happy people once again!58 percent of them will be single before summer starts. The rest before summer ends. The successful couples will end up MARRIED!(yikes!) Or heck!perhaps 20 percent will break up by Valentine’s Day itself because they EXPECTED a proposal but didn’t get it! So breathe, smile and tell yourselves the words of the legen(wait for it)dary Barney Stintson-“My life is AWESOME”[How I Met You Mother in case you aren’t retarded enough]. And hey! don’t let those committed women with their strappy stags turn their nose up at you! We are happy you have a boyfriend. We really are. We just think we can do better! Be honest, do you really miss how you had to keep a plastic smile plastered while your love would breathlessly proclaim his love for you? Do you really miss having to worry about what kind of gift would suffice as a return to the hugely expensive stupid memento of love he buys for you? How do you even BEGIN to react to the cheesy bit of poetry he wrote about the mole on the side of your nostril? And incase you were a wannabe feminist dating a ball-less douchebag(happy memories of yours truly), then do you miss having to pay for that oh so pretty candlelit lunch? You don’t do you?(If you do please stop reading this and go cry to your pillow. it’s very interested in what you might have to say.) You don’t miss it because as Gloria Steinem said,”a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.” Guys are like scabs!when the wound starts to heal the scab will by painful and itchy. Eventually it’ll just dry up and all YOU have to do is flick it!(“flick it.”heh!)
As a single girl you
-> get to flirt all you want(added bonus-check out any ass you wish).
->don’t have to make constant excuses to those whiny complaints(“why did you find Brad Pitt hot?why did you not receive my calls?why did you not reply to my messages?why did you not say my mom is pretty?why did you dress up so much?why aren’t you dressed nicely enough?why don’t you like my spikes?why do you have to be so loud?why cant you be more affectionate?why are you holding hands in public? ).
->can have FRIENDS, go out with who you want, when you want.
-> can do a smelly fart and not apologise for it.
-> aren’t accused of PMS just because you have an opinion.
-> don’t have to look interested to what they have to say about their jobs/hobbies/inane fantasies.
-> don’t have to pretend to find them geniuses though you know they are complete idiots.
-> don’t have to spend time with their even more stupid buddies while they proudly flaunt the “bros over hos” BS.
-> can wear all your heels without being too tall.
-> wax,thread and generally punish your body only if and when YOU want to!
->don’t have to deal with pscho ex girlfriends(or worse,present girlfriends whose existence was unknown to you)
->would totally be mysterious!
Let’s also not forget,boys are sweaty and smelly and love kills creativity(look at all those sonnets on unrequited love!).So this Valentine’s Day,buy yourself a Chocolate Tart(or popcorn if you are so conscious),watch Jerry McGuire(you can actually be excited about the “you had me at hello” bit rather than “show me the money” bit) and feel good about the fact that you’re definitely not getting dumped this valentine’s day(ouch to those of you who have been)!
p.s-the write up has nothing to do with salts.